Helicopters are fascinating machines that have become commonplace. News stations, hospitals, emergency responders, police and fire departments, and the military use helicopters daily. Of all aircraft, perhaps the helicopter is the most versatile and agile. Its ability to hover and get into tight places makes it an extremely important machine.   

Helicopter parenting refers to an overprotective parenting style. Like helicopters hover, helicopter parents typically hover over all aspects of their children's lives. In the business world, it's called micromanaging. Another similar phrase, lawnmower parenting, indicates those who mow down all obstacles from their children's path.

Below are common signs of helicopter parenting:

• "Hovering" over children rather than encouraging autonomy and healthy separation
• Excessive anxiety about children failing or getting hurt
• Being overly involved in all areas of a child's life (academics, recreational activities, and friendships)
• Making all decisions for children
• Constantly correcting children rather than allowing them to make mistakes
• Protecting children from experiencing disappointment or failure
• Stepping in when children experience conflict rather than allowing them to resolve their problems
• Not allowing children to participate in age-appropriate activities for fear of failure or safety
• Always being with children and not allowing opportunities to learn from others (i.e., being their coach, etc.)
• Doing tasks for children rather than letting them learn to take responsibility and teamwork. 

The following excerpt is from Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt:

“Something has been going wrong on many college campuses in recent years. Speakers are shouted down. Students and professors say they are walking on eggshells and are afraid to speak honestly. Rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide are rising—on campus as well as nationally. How did this happen?

Three terrible ideas have become increasingly woven into American childhood and education: What doesn’t kill you makes you weaker; always trust your feelings; and life is a battle between good and evil people. These three great untruths contradict basic psychological principles about well-being and ancient wisdom from many cultures.  Embracing these untruths—and the resulting culture of safetyism.” 

Lukianoff and Haidt provide additional observations:

“A culture that allows the concept of “safety” to creep so far that it equates emotional discomfort with physical danger is a culture that encourages people to systematically protect one another from the experiences embedded in daily life that they need to become strong and healthy.” Safety trumps everything else, no matter how unlikely or trivial the potential danger. When children are raised in a culture of safetyism, which teaches them to stay ‘emotionally safe’ while protecting them from every imaginable danger, it may set up a feedback loop: kids become more fragile and less resilient, which signals to adults that they need more protection, which then makes them even more fragile and less resilient.” (pp. 29-30).

The supposed cure becomes the cause of the problem.

It interferes with young people’s social, emotional, and intellectual development and makes it harder for them to become autonomous adults who can navigate the bumpy road of life. Today, there tends to be a significant concern for children’s physical, emotional, and intellectual safety, and rightly so, considering the potentially violent world and confusing philosophies that are ever-present. Innocence is lost at the expense of conformity.

What about our children’s spiritual safety?

Are we as concerned about guarding the minds and hearts of our children against the subtlety of Satan, who seeks to undermine the presence, preeminence, and power of Christ?

Here, too, must be a balance between exposure to the world and separation from the world. Jesus pointed out that we are in the world, but as believers, we are not to be of the world (John 17:14-17). In 1 John 2:15-17, we are told not to love the world or the things in the world; if we do, then the love of the Father is not in us. The dilemma is real. How much sheltering from the world is healthy, and how much is provoking? Inconsistency and hypocrisy in establishing a balance have perhaps caused many children to rebel against their parent's boundaries.

The Amish attempt to address this dilemma through the practice of Rumspringa, “the right of passage to adulthood” tradition.

Jedediah is a friend who lives in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, Amish country. “Jed,” as most of us call him, has two teenagers: a thirteen-year-old boy, Eli, and a twelve-year-old daughter, Sarah. At lunch one day, I asked many questions about the Amish culture, specifically about the cultural practice of Rumspringa.

Here is a summary of what Jed shared with our group:

Rumspringa is a practice where teens around the age of sixteen are no longer under the total control of their parents on weekends, and because they are not baptized, they are not yet under the church's authority. It lasts about two years when young people are allowed to explore and experience the non-Amish world before deciding to be baptized in the Amish church or to leave the community. Sometimes, this is referred to as “sowing their wild oats.” During this time, they can travel, wear everyday clothing, use modern technology, drink, and party with worldly people. It is reported that, even though they are allowed to participate in the world, 85-90% do not wander far from home, return to join the Amish way of life, and join the church.

By no means should we decide to let our teens go wild and experience the world without boundaries or supervision. I’m unsure how Jed handled that Amish tradition when Eli and Sarah turned sixteen. Nor can I fathom what a parent’s heart would feel like, wondering what vices and potential harm awaited their children by turning them loose to the wolves.

In the article, Christians-Over Sheltering Our Kids is Creating a Watered-down Generation of Disciples; author Erica Ord explains that it is normal to want to protect our children.

"When we become parents, we naturally want to protect our kids from the nasty in the world. Sheltering our children to a point is good parenting; doing it to the extreme is not. When they are young, it is entirely appropriate to shield their eyes, ears, and hearts from how harsh the world can be. They need a stable, safe, and robust ground to stand on. It is the time to lay the foundation of principles and hope. The mistake most of us Christian parents make is that we do not expand the bubble as our children grow.”  (https://uncaggedbird.com/christians-sheltering)

Another telltale result of coddling children through sheltering is the inability of young adults to accept constructive criticism. Critique is interpreted as a personal attack rather than an attempt for professional development. One former school administrator said that in his required teacher evaluations, he had to be very careful in his wording to avoid offending the young teacher. Young adults raised in helicopter homes are less likely to make long-term career choices that may involve critique, confrontation, and challenge.

"Media and entertainment is the top industry Gen Z wants to work in, beating tech, health care, and education, according to a new report from Samsung and the Morning Consult. The report surveyed over 1,000 Americans ages 16 to 25 and found that Gen Z values flexible, creative jobs and careers where they can maintain a healthy work-life balance.

'Lifestyle is a big part of the attraction,' says Ann Woo, the head of corporate citizenship at Samsung Electronics America. 'Media and entertainment is a creative industry that offers flexibility and self-expression, two of the most important attributes younger workers want in a job.'” (https://www.cnbc.com/2023/11/14/the-no-1-industry-gen-z-wants-to-work-in-according-to-new-research.) 

Times were hard back then!

Most of us can relate to our parents and grandparents when they tell us about the hardships they endured to go to school back in the day. They say, “It was uphill to school!” or “I had to walk to school for ten miles in three feet of snow.   Times were more challenging back then, but it built character,” they would retort. Parents expected their children to figure out life through their experiences. A friend of mine, Peter Steinhaus, said that his father told him, "If you start a fight, when you get home, you'll get a whuping; if you run from a fight when you get home, you'll get a whuping!" The lesson was simple: do not be the instigator of problems but face challenges and be problem-solvers.

Our good intentions as parents are to help our children avoid the poor choices we made that created hardships. However, many of the challenges our children will face will be different. It’s a different time and culture. Helicopter parenting, while well-intentioned, can lead to children lacking independence, resilience, and basic problem-solving skills.

During the mid-1700s, French philosopher Rousseau taught that a child was born good, a blank slate, innocent, and that society is what corrupts humanity. You can shape the child by controlling the environment (helicopter parenting). Many Christian parents adhere to this philosophy today. They enroll their children in Christian schools because of a more wholesome environment, hoping the positive influence of the majority will shape them. To a certain degree, it does. A famous slogan by author Craig Groesche states, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future. The people you’re hanging out with today are shaping the person you will become tomorrow.” However, genuine permanent change comes from a vibrant relationship with Christ and internalizing the Bible and its principles.

There are two parenting extremes.

One school of thought is letting children figure it out for themselves. In other words, children are neglected. There is no guidance or involvement. To illustrate this approach, I've heard of parents who want their children to overcome their fear of water and learn to swim. They toss them in the pool's deep end, and the child will sink or swim. They'll figure it out or drown trying! Some parents provide no supervision or instruction in any area of life. They allow their children to experiment and "sow their wild oats" until "something" gets their attention, such as failure, injury, prison, etc....? Anything left to itself will quickly deteriorate. Abandoned houses and old junked cars are testaments to this principle. They are soon overcome with rust, decay, and collapse without care and maintenance. Children left to themselves wind up as the dregs of society and waste away in the cesspools of culture.

On the other hand, some parents never leave anything to chance or experience. They are so paranoid that they manage every action, conversation, and association in their children's lives. This hovering approach makes children believe they are never wrong, argumentative, and entitled. Parents will bail them out of any undesirable situation. They age but never really "grow up." Children quickly learn to manipulate parents to get what they want rather than what they need. This approach to parenting verifies Proverbs 13:24, which says, "He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him disciplines him promptly" (NKJV). A standard summary of that verse says, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”

Where's the balance between being over-protectively paranoid and passively lackadaisical?

Finding this balance is crucial to effective parenting. Parenting is complex and multifaceted; sometimes, feeling overwhelmed is okay. It's a balancing act that we are all trying to master.  There is not a sure-fire method that works all the time. However, some basic Biblical foundational principles must be incorporated if children have a chance to be successful, God-fearing adults. Each child is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution to parenting. 

The Bible gives parents specific but not detailed instructions regarding their children.

Let us focus on two passages in Proverbs 22:6 and Ephesians 6:4, which provide valuable insights into effective parenting strategies.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

What is involved in training?

The Bible commands parents to "train up," not to "trust up" their children. One common fallacy parents make is to trust their children to make the right decisions without wise counsel. We are born with a sinful nature. Having a sinful nature causes each of us to resist God's will and way. In us is no good thing; we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3: 10, 23). “We are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags …” (Isaiah 64:6a).

Trusting in ourselves, our feelings, or our environment is a recipe for disaster. The heart is deceitful, desperately wicked, and can't be known (Jeremiah 17:9). We are constantly influenced by the sin around us and the presence of a sinful nature that dwells in us.  

The word "train" means to teach children to seek God's wisdom and will for their abilities and talents, to shape the will. Children are made in God's image, and a unique supernatural void can only be filled by directing them to seek God. In other words, parents are to shape the will of the child. How do we do that?   

Shaping the will of a child is not popular today.

Some say shaping the will hinders the child's creativity, independence, self-expression, and individuality. It crushes their spirit. So-called experts say, “Children need the freedom to develop and the license to be themselves.” If a biological boy thinks he should be a girl—let him! If the child feels they are a cat—let him! Where has this philosophy gotten us today? Our culture is inundated with gender confusion, transgenderism, species confusion, racism, social injustice, homosexuality, and a bevy of other woke characteristics.

Many Christian parents misunderstand this verse.

Proverbs 22:6 is not a guarantee. Chap Bettis, author of The Disciple-making Parent, explains the usual misconception of this verse with this analogy: We somehow believe "If I put enough coins in the vending machine, God is obligated to give us the perfect product. If I do something for God, He must do something for me." This misunderstanding results in two extremes. If children "turn out well," parents look back with pride. However, parents of prodigal children, characterized by rebellion, resistance, indulgence, and independence, like the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32, wonder what they did wrong. Most of us are quick to point out the obvious. Many factors can determine the difference between the outcome from one scenario and another. The same is true in raising children. Just because one child does not respond as another does not mean that anything was done wrong.

The greatest wrong would be to resist the warning to train.

Having observed many prodigal children, parents have wrongfully concluded that Proverbs 22:6 does not work. To properly understand this verse, we should interpret it as more of a warning than a guarantee. To some skeptical parents, prodigal children prove the verse's impotence. As a result, this verse has fallen out of favor with many Christian parents today.   Therefore, it is avoided. In frustration, it is easier to "throw our hands up in despair, and just let them be kids," or we concoct a million more excuses not to obey God's Word.

It is still God's Word and needs to be obeyed.

Modern parenting needs this verse more than ever. The verse gives a probable outcome: they will not depart from the training when they are old (mature). This is not a guarantee, nor does it establish a specific timetable for when that will happen. Impatient parents who do not see instant results cast this verse aside and seek other methods or advice. Instilling the truths of God's Word may not generate an immediate response. Sometimes, children only heed the training from their parents once they become parents themselves. A parent's responsibility is to plant the seed, water it often, pray for germination, and let God cause it to grow.

Ephesians 6:4b: “… bring them (the children) up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."

Parents are commanded to raise their children in both words and actions. As parents, we nurture and admonish our children because we want them to develop proper habits and practice self-control. Nurture comes from the Greek word paideia (learning or education), and admonition's root is nouthesia (counseling, directing, or training).

Nurture has more to do with what parents do for their children, the care and protection given to children by their parents. This is perhaps the area most often abused by overprotective parents. Parents who do everything for their children misunderstand the idea of nurturing. The typical result of this approach to parenting is a dependent child who cannot cope with life's struggles or find solutions to the everyday problems and pressures that riddle everyone's life.

The observable consequences are illustrated in these examples:

• Some years ago, a parent called the school office to report their child's absence due to illness. Later that morning, a teacher noticed the same student was posting pictures on social media of herself and her friends (also students) shopping at the mall. The parent's deceitfulness enabled the child to avoid her responsibilities. The child knew her mother had covered for her. Later that year, the same student was confronted about leaving campus for lunch (which was against the rules). She boldly responded to the Administration, "I'm going. My mom says I can, and you can't do anything about it." When the parents were confronted with the girl’s disregarding the school's rules, the mother could not understand why her daughter would have acted that way. The student had learned defiance from a hovering parent.
• In a different scenario, a high school student scored perfectly on her Algebra homework, but when tests or quizzes were administered, she could not solve the problems. Admittedly, some students are not good test-takers. So, the math teacher decided to try to help the girl with the test in a tutorial session. The young lady needed help understanding the basic process of solving the problems. It was soon discovered that Mom had been doing her homework for her. As a result, the student had to repeat the course due to failing test grades. A good-intentioned hovering parent was the source of this eventual hardship.  
• Students sometimes forge their parents' signatures on required forms or documents. Some parents will lie when called and say they signed it to keep their child out of trouble. They justify the lie by saying, "He told me about it." This misses the point of teaching children to be honest, responsible, and follow directions. It teaches that situational ethics, that the end justifies the means, is better than the truth. Children know when their parents have been dishonest. It contradicts the Biblical definition of nurturing.

Admonish focuses on what we say and how we say it. Children are reflectors of their parents. What they hear, they repeat, and what they see, they imitate. The word admonish includes exhortations, encouragement, reproof, and accepting responsibility. Our words shape and define right and wrong in the child's mind. Often, it's different from what we say, but how we say it influences reactions.

Children are unique by God's design.

Let us be reminded that all children are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Each one is unique by God's design. Some children are designed to need more detailed attention than others. Their response to instruction, reproof, encouragement, and admonition can differ drastically, even among the children of the same family. Experienced educators understand that what works with one student is not guaranteed to work with others, and what works with one class does not necessarily work with other classes.

There is no such thing as a "cookie-cutter" strategy for dealing with children.

For example, my daughter Charity required a firm and dynamic approach when disciplined. My son, Micah, was super-sensitive, and a stern look was all it took for correction. My daughter was self-motivated, an extrovert, and a people person in academics and relationships. She needed little incentive to fulfill her responsibilities. Micah is an introvert who needs prodding, reminders, incentives, and even ultimatums. Both are from the same parents, are intelligent, and have lived in the same home, yet are uniquely individual in their talents and abilities. No magic wand, guaranteed formula, or cookie-cutter strategy for raising children exists.

There are ramifications of hovering over children or mowing down obstacles.

Ephesians 6:4a, "Fathers provoke not your children to anger…." In many versions of the Bible, the word "provoke" is translated as "exasperate."

How do parents exasperate their children?

As mentioned, children mirror (or imitate) their parents in many ways. Angry, overbearing parents can cause their children's souls to shrivel into small, hard, angry shells. When a parent is paranoid, untrusting, and pessimistic, the likelihood of the children being bitter and fragile is highly probable.

Parents do not necessarily plan to exasperate their children, but micro-managing their children's day-to-day interactions can frustrate them. In other words, parents push their children toward what they intend to protect them from. Good intentions can backfire when dealing with children.

Consider the story of The Boy and the Butterfly.

The story of the Boy and the Butterfly is about a boy who tries to help a butterfly break out of its cocoon, but in doing so, he prevents the butterfly from developing and flying.

The boy is excited when he finds a butterfly struggling to escape its cocoon and decides to help. He uses scissors to cut a slit in the cocoon, allowing the butterfly to emerge. The butterfly is small, weak, and has crumpled wings. The boy expects it to fly but can only crawl around the ground.

The boy's mother suggests he speak with his science teacher to learn what went wrong. The teacher explains that the butterfly must struggle to break out of the cocoon to gain strength. The struggle also pushes fluid out of the butterfly's body and into its wings, which helps them grow. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never be able to fly. The boy's good intentions ended up hurting the butterfly.

This story can remind us that challenges are necessary to make us stronger. We shouldn't try to shortcut our children's development process. Hovering parents handicap their children's natural development. From a Biblical perspective, God's sovereign providence plans lessons and experiences that will be needed later in the child's life. God never moves without purpose or plan. He loads our backpacks with the things He knows we will need on life's journey. Experiencing failure, discipline, and challenges are part of growing up.

Proverbs 29:15b, "The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."

The opposite extreme of hovering parents is the non-involved or neglectful parent, who lets their children do as they please and have what they want rather than focus on what they need. One term used to describe young people today is entitlement, the belief that one inherently deserves privileges or special treatment. This is contrary to real-life situations.

Uninvolved parents prioritize their own needs over their children. Consequently, they take little or no interest in their children's accomplishments, interests, or activities. The Biblical truth of this approach is that it eventually results in shame and embarrassment for the parents. With direct involvement, good choices will characterize the child's life. Without it, potential will be wasted and lost.

What’s gone wrong with our children?

Nothing! However, parents are paranoid that their children will dislike or not confide in them. So, instead of traditional parenting, they seek to infiltrate and saturate themselves in every aspect of their children’s lives. In her book Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up, Abigail Shrier argues that the problem isn’t the kids. She focuses on how parental attempts to create a utopia for their children have transformed how we teach and interact with them.

She reveals that most therapeutic approaches of today’s parenting have serious side effects and few proven benefits. Among her unsettling findings, the method of Gentle parenting or collaborative parenting is one of the significant contributors to stunting the child’s development.  It encourages an equal partnership between parent and child. Instead of being the authority and leader of the child, it focuses on being the child’s equal and an active member of their friend group. She concludes, “It can encourage emotional turbulence—even violence—in children as they lash out, desperate for an adult in charge.”

Another potential problem with being overly protective and interfering in the development of young adults is diminishing their skills to minister for Christ. “If our one job as Christians is to spread the Gospel, but our over-sheltered existence does not allow us a peek at the rawness of trauma people experience, how will we ever reach them?” (Erica Ordd, Christians-Over Sheltering Our Kids is Creating a Watered-down Generation of Disciples, March 28, 2017.)

Sheltering from the trauma people experience can be rooted in the understanding that sympathy and empathy are distinctly different.

This may seem off-topic, but it will make sense. Sympathy is acknowledging another person’s emotional hardships and providing comfort and assurance. We all do this.  On the other hand, empathy is understanding what others are feeling because you have experienced it or can put yourself in their shoes. Robbing children of experiential knowledge could have eternal consequences in the lives of those God brings into our lives.

My father-in-law, Vernon Hammond, used to say, “If you want to know how to do something, ask someone who has done it; if you want to know how to get somewhere, ask someone who has been there.” We raise our children to sympathize with others, and that’s good, but we should teach them to empathize. We should not be satisfied with them just knowing scripture and having all the standard push-button answers. We must prepare them for the job experientially. Maturity cannot be accomplished by remaining protected in a sheltering bubble. For example, allowing teens to go on mission trips to underdeveloped countries will turn sympathy into empathy.

Erica Ordd shares this possible outcome of helicopter parenting:

"Where we go wrong is that we keep that perfect bubble around them all through their teen years. We overly censor EVERYTHING they read, listen to, experience, and watch. As our children grow, we MUST expose them to the hardships of life and human suffering. Allowing young adults a window to tragic situations helps to build empathy in an environment void of those experiences. I would rather have these conversations with my son in the safety of my home, where I can guide him through it, than when he strikes out in the world and has no idea how to handle people or situations he crosses. If he cannot relate to hurting people, they will close their ears to him, rendering him useless for the kingdom of God. My job is to help him be ready to speak to others about Jesus."

Why have our efforts to bolster America’s children backfired—and what will it take for parents to lead a turnaround?

Here are 10 Suggestions to Ground the Helicopter Parent:

1. Gradually Give Your Children Space

As children age, allowing them space to play independently and with friends is vital. The freedom you provide will vary depending on your child's age and maturity level, but it should increase over time.

2. Offer Choices

Instead of controlling what your child does, provide choices. Helicopter parents love their children and want to be supportive, but how they offer help can be disadvantageous. Encouraging is your greatest tool as a parent.

3. Help Your Children Make Their Own Decisions

Avoid making decisions for your children. Instead, offer guidance by helping them consider their options and weigh the pros and cons. Make time to problem-solve and brainstorm together when they face conflicts, setbacks, or essential choices. Not only does this encourage independence, but it also enhances your relationship.

4. Allow Children to Make Mistakes

It is hard for parents to see their child struggle or fail, but everyone needs to make mistakes to learn from them. When mistakes happen, help your child process how they feel and talk about what they could do differently in the future. In his book Leadership 101, John Maxwell declares that we learn more from our failures than our successes.

5. Teach Them How to Handle Problems

When your children face challenges, your instinct may be to step in and fix the problem. Be supportive and offer insight, but avoid dominating the situation or shielding them from learning opportunities.

6. Assign Age-Appropriate Responsibilities

Give your children an opportunity to learn responsibility by assigning chores or tasks.

7. Offer help, but do not take over through frustration or impatience

When your child is having trouble with something, like homework or chores, allow them space to problem-solve before offering help.

8. Encourage Open Communication

Open communication is essential in building relationships, and listening without judging is a critical aspect of communication. Let them know you are available to listen if they have questions, problems, or concerns. Take these opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings when appropriate. The goal is not to tell them what to do or take over. The goal is to create a two-way communication system from parent to child and child to parent.

9. Know Where to Draw the Line

Resist the temptation to jump in and control your children, especially when they can make independent choices and decisions. If their safety or well-being is not at risk, give them ideas about how to view the situation differently to help them take charge and resolve an issue. Think about the problem they are addressing, and if it is something the child can and should handle, take a step back and let them attempt it. Permit yourself to allow them to try and fail. They will learn and grow from these types of experiences.

10.  Pray for wisdom.

Parenting is hard work. There is no owner’s manual with a troubleshooting section for children. God promises that if we ask for wisdom, He will give it to us (James 1:5).  

Final Thoughts:

While being responsive to our children is optimistic, exercising too much control will be harmful. Helicopter parenting (or Lawnmower parenting) prevents children from learning the necessary life skills, like handling conflict, making decisions, and coping with stress.

Let's face it: Our children are growing up in a hostile world. Many current legislative decisions about parenting (limitation of the right to information, parental authority, and permissions) are designed to hinder parents from properly raising their children according to Biblical standards. Even traditional standards of rearing children have come under a barrage of attacks. As a result, our culture is crumbling from a lack of stamina and foundational development.  

In his book Those Who Remain, author Michael Hopf states, "Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Weak men create hard times." Where do we find ourselves in this cycle? Is it too late? No!  

The message from the control tower is that we have “permission to land the chopper!”  

Some old folk wisdom sums it up: "Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child."

A word to the wise is usually sufficient!